June 23, 2019

Dear Friends,

It has been rather quiet here at my home in Italy, and with the heat, I have spent a lot of time just lounging around and thinking.  And when I think, I like to think big picture.  You know, what's over the fence, what's under that rock, why do bees sting and those lizards grow back their tails.  But today, it is hard not to think about the current American Presidential campaign.  While I am far away at the moment, it remains big news.  As I see it, the current race has become a circus.  And being from a long line of circus performers (my forefathers were brought forth by the Barnum and Bailey Circus), I decided that as an experienced candidate, I would throw my hat into the ring.  (Obviously, I mean the hat thing metaphorically.)  I  have a family history of jumping through hoops with great dexterity, and I am sure this will be a valuable skill.  How many of the other candidates can say this?   So, I am happy to announce my campaign this week as the candidate for the Canine Party.  In the interest of full disclosure, my party has no ties to big oil, big pharma, big business, wall street, or  Hollywood.  My only ties are to the ASPCA and animal rescue organizations.

As for my qualifications, they are many.  First, I have spent half of my life abroad, and have developed strong diplomatic skills.  I find that where ever I go, people are just naturally attracted to me.  I like to kiss babies and shake hands.  There is never a language barrier when I meet new people.  Living in Europe, I hear a lot of talk about US and European relations, and I understand the importance of our relationships with our allies.  I wag my tail heartily at all of them.  Make love not war I like to say.  Yes, I believe in world peace.  Oh my God, that sounds like I am running in a beauty pageant.  Well, if I were, I am sure I would win that race.  I have by far the best hair of any candidate and a body that would look great in a bathing suit, although I prefer to swim in the nude.  (No paparazzi please!) 

I can state with all sincerity that I will run an honest campaign.  I have never and will never tell a lie.  I have no tax returns to hide.  I will accept no campaign contributions and will be beholding to no faction or individuals.  I can bark loud and strong, but my bark is worse than my bite.  Well, actually, I am not a back biter and never will be.  My life is an open book, or maybe it is still waiting to be written.   I will never tweet.  I will never use the word "SAD" or call a fellow candidate "a dummy" or chant "lock her up."  I promise to smile for the press.  Speaking of the press, I believe in freedom of the press and will never use the phrase "fake news".  And I never have and never will eat junk food or drink sodas or alcoholic beverages.  As for making any unwanted advances, well, I can't say that has never happened.  You see, I like to stand up on my hind legs to see better and sometimes, that means resting my front paws on a leg and then I like to lick hands.  And I don't discriminate with my affections, male or female, it is the same to me.  But this is my only transgression.  Full disclosure here. 

My platform is simple:

• A dog in every house.
• A chicken in every pot.
• A roof over every head and a bed to rest it on.
• Equal opportunities for all - two legs, four legs.  And no more experimenting on animals, please.  Why do we think torturing humans is inhumane but torturing four legged friends is okay? 
• A nation in which the ideals of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are once again core values.
• Education is our future, and great schools are key
• Affordable, accessible, quality health care for all - four legs too.

And so, today, I am putting my four feet forward to get our nation back on course.  Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds", but I would like to offer that a consistent inconsistency is a chronic disease of the charlatan. Four feet provide more stability, and less volatility. 

Thank you for listening my fellow Americans.  And may whichever deity you choose to talk to provide you with happy trails and lots of treats. 

Dino for President, 2020